Thursday, January 24, 2008

Guilty as Charged

Another day... not super, not horrible. So far this week has been pretty quite on the daycare front. The littles are behaving pretty well. My only real complaint this week is totally about myself. I get this guilty, hate myself feeling every time I let myself fantasies about next year (daycare free). Which of course when I feel guilty about anything I start having built up anxiety which causes my body to go crazy. I know I want to quit I know I will be happier quitting. I know that Kenneth will be happier when I quit and he gets his house back, and I get my sanity back... but I still feel guilt. I want people to like me... by watching this particular group of kids, I sort of in a sad kind of way feel like I belong. Even though when I step back I know it's a fake relationship, strictly nice because they appreciate the care I take of their children. But even a fake relationship is better than feeling like I don't belong (it's been the story of my life). I'm not willing to suffer for years because I want people to like me, but I wish and hope that someday I will find my place among the adult woman of the world. If not for the friendship of one individual (and I'm not just saying this because she reads my blog) I would feel so alone in this town, a member of the misunderstood club. So hopefully I can gain the self confidence needed to feel at ease with my decision to quit in May so it can be a big relief instead of another hurdle.
Totally different subject:
Has anyone ever used the Internet surveys and sites to self diagnose ailments? If so did it turn out to be pretty accurate or would you say, it made you worse off?


Anonymous said...



Amie said...

...who knows, girl? Sometimes, I think there's so many diagnoses out there...I could probably go in and they'd find a dozen things wrong with me that I had no idea, right? But today, I'm gonna commiserate with you. Cuz this new little baby that I started this week slept a total of 90 minutes this morning (off and on, 30 here, 10 there, etc) and 30 minutes this afternoon. I'm going crazy. I'm crying for no reason and having just a crappy friday of it. I think crying probably made me feel better. I totally understand the whole 'counting down the months' thing. When Danny got booted out of paramedic school 1.5 years ago, I cried for that same reason. All the longer I was gonna have to do daycare. Then I stopped taking kids that were too hard. I decided it was ok to quit a few and say "you know, I thought I could do it, but I can't." And I haven't bent over backwards and I haven't let people dictate my hours or rules, I just enforced them and stood up for myself and you know what, this year, I liked daycare a lot more more. (cept for today which we wont talk anymore about) So, is it possible you have a medical issue? Sure. Is it possible it's depression from the many issues you're dealing with now? Very likely. Is there anything in your power you can do about it. Also very likely. Think about it, pray over, and return and report. =) Love ya.

abeNanna said...

I completed an internet survey and found out that I suffer from Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Of course it was in the low range and I think we are all there sometimes. Don't think I want to be diagnosed that way, and definitely don't want to treat myself based on this.