I'm exhausted today. There's something about unexpected things that makes me want to be productive. I think I've sat still for about 15 minutes. I just wish I could do something more to contribute right now. So I do house work. I vacuum, and dust, and organize, and mow the lawn, because it helps me feel better. It helps me feel like I'm in control of something. I refuse to be upset, or stressed, or unhappy, so I put my body to good use. I clean out heater vents and organize toy buckets. I change sheets, and scrub toilets. It's not so much that I'm worried about money, or Him not finding a job, because he's a hard worker, he's a good person, and any company or business would be lucky to have such an employee.... but what bothers me is the uncertainty of it all.... and to keep those ugly thoughts at bay... I pull dead flowers from the flower bed, I scrub the kitchen table. I work until I clearly see all the things to be happy for... all the more important things. I work until I see with unfogged clarity what a wonderful family and life I've been blessed with.
You know it's funny, I was always taught to be strong, to pick myself up and get going again... but what I realized last Friday... when I finally got it through my head that when Kenneth was coming home and not ever going back to that other state, I felt such relief. I hadn't realized how much I had held in for the last year. How much contention it had caused my heart for him to be gone, I had totally convinced myself that I didn't care at all that he was gone, that I'd become quite cold about the whole situation. I'm so happy to have my full time husband back again, however temporary or permanent the situation. I'm grateful to have him home.