I'm tired. Not the "oh my goodness I've been running in circles all day and its time for bed" Not the "I stayed up last night and watched the late late show" kind of tired either. I'm tired down to my bones.... every muscle of my body is tired... every cell in my brain is tired... every ounce of my being is tired. I'm tired of thinking... of working so I can avoid thinking... I'm tired of working hard to keep a happy face... most of all I'm tired of holding all my fears inside. I know there are worse things... I remind myself that every day. But it wears on a person you know. It slowly grinds at all things stable, and I've never been that stable to begin with. I hate the not knowing, you know!
Today was my 3rd day of work. Once again a delight. I mostly covered the lunch shift today, and made paninis. I made Reuben, and clubs, and Philly cheese steak, and a grilled cheese. I've been riding my bike to work.... I find delight in that too, I think I've become super cost aware, and riding my bike makes me feel like once again I'm contributing to some greater cause.
The only bad part of work... is that once again I was informed that when people first meet me some find me a bit intimidating.... or the big B word, (I guess I'm not bubbly enouph). I really don't see myself this way, because inwardly I feel shy and embarrassed to say something so Stupid that the person I'm talking to will never want to be in the same room as me again. I really am not a scary person, I promise. Give me a second chance, and I promise at some point I will make you realize how silly it was to think of me a intimidating. And if I seem mostly quiet, its because I'm thinking to myself all the things I could of should of would of said differently if my brain was turned on right :(